Snowball 2007

So, inbetween reading Bourdieu all day and watching the “House of Carters” marathon on Much Music, I have been playing this awesome flash game “Snowball 2007.”

Here’s how you play

1. Start rolling your snowball down the hill.

2. Try and grow your snowball by rolling over people, snowmen, horses…

3. ??????

4. Profit!

CNN vs. Britney Spears (BREAKING NEWS!!!!)

So I was just watching CNN (rather, CNN was on), and I just heard them say as they were going to commercial break:

Male annoucer: “We have more to come on the latest on Britney Spears.”

Female announcer: “Yep. She shaved her head.”

Male announcer: “We’ll be following it all day.”

I’ll keep you updated.

Update #1: Not only did Spears go bald, she also got some tattoos.

Update #2: Male Announcer: “This latest development will not be keeping her out of the tabloids.” Or, apparentluy, CNN.

Update#3: Link

Update #4: Anna Nicole Smith is being embalmed “as we speak…” YES!

Update #5: Male announcer: “Yes. That is Brittney Spears. More to come!” (can’t wait!)

Update #6: I got bored and waded into the cesspool (aka: Perez Hilton): (THIS IS COPY PASTED AKA STOLEN)

She wasn’t making sense at all and you could tell she’s not in a good place at all, and that she is totally freaking out,” reveals Emily Wynne-Hughes, an employee at Body & Soul, the Sherman Oaks tattoo parlor where Britney got a black-white-and-pink cross tattooed on her lower hip and red-and-pink lips on her wrist.

Hughes tells Us Weekly, “She was a nightmare to deal with. She was screaming and flipping out from the pain and wiggling her body all around.”

At one point during Britney’s one-hour visit, Hughes asked Britney why there was a pink stain on her fluffy white handbag and Britney said she had “spilled Nyquil all over it.”

Spears is unraveling before our very eyes!

Earlier that night, Britney brazenly shaved off all her hair.

When asked why she shaved her head, Hughes says Britney replied, “I don’t want anyone touching me. I’m tired of everybody touching me.”

Everyone at the tattoo parlor was shocked by Spears bizarre behavior.

Hughes, who was appalled and concerned by what she saw, adds, “After she left the shop we all just looked around and said to each other, ‘We just saw a huge celebrity on the verge of a nervous breakdown.'”

We hope her family does the right thing.

Britney needs some SERIOUS help right now!

What’s a visit to Peez without one of his pics? Taste to follow:

Update #7: Unrelated

Update #8: Male CNN Announcer: “New concerns about how Spears is doing” “Spears was quote ‘flipping out'” “No current status on how she is doing today.”

Update #9:  Female CNN Announcer: “Coming up: Britney’s new look… hot or not?”

Update #10: Female CNN Announcer: “Ooops… She did it again!”

An interview with Female announcer and some dirtbag from US weekly:

Dirtbag: She flew coach from Miami to LA, went to get her hair shaved, the hairstylist refused, and she picked up the clippers and SHAVED IT HERSELF. She was incoherent.

FA: Was she in rehab?

DB: Yes. There are reports she was in rehab for one day.

FA: Is this a cry for help or is it self clensing? Is this a way of starting new?

DB: It certainly looks like a cry for help.

Update #11: “From Brittney Spears to Brittney Shears.”

Update #12: “20,000 voted on our online poll of wether this new look is hot or not. An overwhelming majority of viewers think that it is not hot.”

On that note, I am out.

Fox News’ Republican version of the Daily Show?

Has anyone see this? [via]

Things The Hater learned from this clip (besides how terrible it is…)

–The word “gassy” = comedy gold

–B.O. = comedy platinum

–Rhyming slogans on T-shirts = comedy Hope diamond embedded in a tasteful gold and platinum setting.

–It’s never too late to make a Marion Barry joke.

–If you’re the least talented member in your second-rate college sketch comedy group, don’t worry. One day, you could host a Daily Show rip-off on Fox News Channel!

This week’s The Office

 I finally got to watch this week’s episode, and it just keeps getting better. My favourite moments:

– Jim conditioning Dwight to ask for an altoid whenever Jim logs off his computer.

– Dwight: “The Schrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic. But the weddings are a bleak affair.”

– Dwight: “I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. That’s the thing about bear attacks. They come when you least expect it.”

– Creed putting his name on somebody else’s present.

-“Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration” when the pastor pronounced his name.

– Kevin’s Police cover band, Scrantonicity

Michael: “Phyllis and Bob, their celebrity couple name would be … Phylob. You look at her, and she’s kind of matronly today. But back in high school, I swear, her nickname was “Easy Rider.”

– Ryan knocking the flowers away from Kelly

– After Toby’s wedding date catches the boquet, he looks at the camera “TOBY!!!”

Anna Nicole Smith (1967-2007)

Everything you wanted to know about Anna Nicole Smith’s passing, shamlessly copied and pasted from Best Week Ever

“A commentator on CNN said a few hours after her death that “This is certainly an unexpected and very tragic turn of events for Anna Nicole Smith.” Unfortunately, that was both true and also not in any sense accurate.”

I DIDN’T WRITE ANY OF THIS:COUNTDOWN: How long until Trimspa hires a new face for the brand and takes down their Before and After Fat-skinny pics of Anna Nicole Smith? We say at least 2 days. (Update: They’ve added a statement.) (Trimspa)

COUNTDOWN, PART 2: How long until a website compiles a photo gallery of Anna Nicole images, from her short-lives classy phase to her MTV pasties over her nips phase? Answer: It already exists. (TMZ)

SAD PUPPY: Know that you’re not alone… Dora understands. (Flickr)

ANTI-SENTIMENTALS, CLICK HERE: For those of you whose hearts have turned to stone, enjoy this obituary, written from the P.O.V. of an a**hole. (Gawker)

PALETTE CLEANSER: You’re already drinking a 40, aren’t you? (Youtube)

NOTE TO LINDSAY, PARIS, BRITNEY & NICOLE: If ever you were going to do some seriously insane sh*t, tonight’s the night. Wear a monokini, smoke crack at Hyde, take Sean Preston to Flashdancers, and delouse yourself in cocaine… because tonight, nobody cares.

As soon as we heard the bad news about Anna Nicole, we immediately wondered which media outlet would provide us with the most brazenly tasteless coverage of her passing. We thought it was gonna be Perez, but the fine folks over at Splash News have stepped up and claimed this prize for themselves with their disgusting promises of footage of Anna Nicole’s lifeless body having CPR administered in the moments leading up to her death. So remember, kids – Splash News is your #1 source for exclusive snuff film footage! Classy!

All of today’s sadness aside, watching CNN’s breathless Anna Nicole coverage – including Wolf Blitzer practically moved to tears by the Playmate’s passing – is both bizarre and hilarious. Here’s the big over-indulgent press conference in which reporters ask official police types a bunch of questions that aren’t really answered. We’re giving CNN about 20 more minutes before unveiling their inevitable “Suicide Blonde” coverage graphic:

From this morning’s episode of The View: “If I have to see Anna Nicole Smith one more time on television…” Sorry Rosie. It’s going to be a long week. Great impression of Anna Nicole slurring, though!

We’re still coming to terms with the death of Anna Nicole Smith. But while our brains are trying to wrap around the news, a small part of us is also thinking “Wonder what Clint Eastwood thinks about all this?” Here is the first awkward moment of the Anna Nicole Smith death coverage. Stay tuned for many more.

When Anna Nicole Smith collapsed earlier today, gossip bloggers did what they do best: they snarkily ripped her a new one. But now, in light of the news that Anna passed away, a few of them probably feel a teensy bit bad about what they said. We’re not going to point fingers and say who said what, but here are a couple of quotes from around the blogosphere that the authors would probably like to take back. “Place your bets now, folks. Overdose? Cry for attention? Suicide attempt? My money is on the bid for attention. Whatever the case may be, I am sure we will get the very latest tonight (and every other night for the rest of the month) on ‘The Insider’ and ‘Entertainment Tonight.'” “I’m sick of seeing her doped up ass on “The Insider!” If they are going to insist on interviewing her about everything, they should at least use captions. I can hardly understand what her slurred-ass is saying!” “Something tells me that Anna Nicole Smith’s collapse is nothing more than a smokescreen. Isn’t her daughter due for a paternity test soon?” “I probably shouldn’t joke cuz’ if she dies I’ll look like a giant a**hole.” And yes, I’m the guy who made a paternity test joke at 10 o’clock this morning. I need to go take a shower.

There are very few jobs in the world where the news of Anna Nicole Smith‘s death brings people out of their offices and into the hallways to grieve. But that is exactly what happened here at Best Week Ever headquarters only a little while ago, upon learning about the tragic news. Some people chimed in that this was bound to happen, others remarked that it’s probably in the best interests for her little girl. Still, the news caught most of us offguard. Her life was a sad trainwreck, full of legal problems, controversy, and probably substance abuse. In recent times, she faced the unimaginable, witnessing the death of her beloved 20-year-old son Daniel. And while yes, this is a comedy blog, we just want to take a moment to say that we are feeling genuinely upset. Anna Nicole had her problems, but from an entertainment standpoint, she always delivered, from her addictive E! reality show to her slurred Trimspa ads to her slurred awards show speeches… she was always there for us. Now, sadly, her life has come to a tragic end. And, as far as we can tell, no other celebrity can fill her unique void. R.I.P. Anna Nicole Smith, 1967-2007. You were one of a kind, and we’ll miss you.

                          A.C. Slater?

                          My sister Heather just phones me up:

                          H:  Guess who I just got an autograph from?

                          Me: Who?

                          H: A.C. Slater

                          Me: What is A.C. Slater doing in Calgary?

                          H: I don’t know… I was at the gym at my hotel, and he was working out there. I think he is doing a movie or something.

                          Me: Sweet.

                          Guess what I am doing later on? I am going to get myself an A.C. Slater autograph too.