CBC Searchlight Long-list evaluation

Here are all the bands that “made it” to the CBC Music long-list for best new musicians in Canada. Someone is going to win this contest and then quickly fade into obscurity.

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Ian Alistair Gosbee (Halifax, NS):  This guy was chosen to represent Halifax. Inoffensive, earnest strumming, almost impossible to listen to one full song.

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Close Talker (Regina, SK): Not surprising at all that this would make a CBC list, because it sounds exactly like the garbage CBC just loves. Imagine a less interesting Mumford and Sons combined with the concept of being friend-zoned.

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I.No (Quebec City, QU): Too boring to say anything about.

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Kori Rowe (Sudbury, ON): Come on CBC, don’t encourage these people. It’s mean.

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Poor Angus (Hamilton, ON): If you looked at this photo, and had to guess what they sounded like, you would guess correctly. Not good.

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Trade Offs (Iqaluit, NU) – I’m gonna call this right now: this band wins, only because “how weird is it that there is this band that sounds like Michael Bolton… and they live in Iqualuit!” This is known as CBC bait. Take note, talentless vanilla soul dudes: move up north and wait for CBC to take up your “story.”

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Ambre McLean (Kitchener/Waterloo, ON): The only thing to note here is that it is “A-M-B-R-E, not A-M-B-E-R.”

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Speed Control (Whitehorse, YT): Speed Control make Wide Mouth Mason look like a forward thinking band.

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Mark Boutillier (North Sydney, NS): Hey, remember Schindler’s List? Does he really want me thinking about Schindler’s List? Does he think it will distract me from evaluating from his terrible music?

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Absolute Forever (Vancouver, BC): White rapper rapping over dubstep. hahahahahaha. SUCKS.

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Randi Boulton (Calgary, AB): Her entry is called the Coffee Song, the single worst thing I’ve heard on this entire long list. “Hey, you guys like Jan Arden right? Here’s a shittier version of that!!” Perfect, just shoot me in the face first.

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Rosie June (Nanaimo, BC): You know how if you throw a frog into boiling water, it jumps out, but if you slowly heat it up it will just stay in there in die?

I put the Rosie June song after the Randi Boulton song and I was like “hey, this isn’t bad!” but then I got up and got some coffee and tried again and thought “hey, this isn’t good!”

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Sherman Downey and The Ambiguous Case (Corner Brook, NL): Imagine if Chris Martin from Coldplay had a Newfie accent, but then started to make Polka music.

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Grey Gritt (Yellowknife, NT): Is this the long-list for the best or worst music in Canada? Can someone check please?

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Shy-Anne Hovorka (Thunder Bay, ON): I’m begging you to track down her song The Awakening. This song just made me spit coffee all over my keyboard. So funny. For the record, there are some AMAZING First Nations musicians in Canada, and I love the culture and people. But this CBC tokenism at its worst.

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Amy and Rachel Beck (Stratford, PEI): I know there aren’t a lot of people on PEI, but they surely could have done better than this. The lyrics can be best described as “embarrassing.”

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dreamzdodododo (Toronto, ON): This is the best band in Toronto, huh? Worse than B4-4, which is somehow possible.

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The Good ‘Ol Goats (Cranbrook, BC): I can’t.

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Motel Raphael (Montreal, QU): Radio-3 Dixie Chixxx, which is as bad as that sounds.

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Elton Adams (Winnipeg, MB): Elton is a Canadian soldier, but the only thing he is killing is my ears.

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Henry Norwood (Perth, ON): Unlistenable.

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Sarah Smith (Windsor, ON): Unlistenable.

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Tristan Horncastle and the Southern Drive (Fredericton, NB): There is literally nothing worse than Canadian Country.

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Shelbi (Edmonton, AB): Awesome, save the worst for last!

Few observations:

– I wonder if anyone at CBC Music is getting fired for this fiasco. Probably not.

-The only reason this contest exists is to generate traffic for the CBC Music website. “Vote for us once a day!” etc. Slimy. 

– No one at CBC gives a shit about any of these musicians. They will pick a name out of a hat, all the boring CBC drive-time shows will play the song once and this whole thing will be forgotten.

-The CBC was once so great, what is happening over there?

-How is it possible that CBC’s music site has me agreeing with Stephen Harper on anything? CBC needs a cleansing fire.

 

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