The Beige Plague: Tim Horton’s as Un-Canadian

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What a marketing coup! Convincing Canadians that getting your morning “Timmies” is a patriotic act. Hockey, CBC and choking down a disguisting “double double” make us Canadian.

This is wrong. Ugly and wrong. There is nothing “Canadian” about eating bad food or drinking sub-par Canadian. If it is, we have to seriously consider closing shop and moving somewhere a little more life-affirming. This isn’t the Canada I want to live in.

Here are some things that you should know before you continue lining up to lower your quality of life:

1. “Always Fresh” is a straight-up lie.Tim Horton’s doesn’t bake their donuts and bread in-store. They “warm” everything up Subway style after importing the goods manufactured in a factory. When is the last time you went into Subway and didn’t immediately turn around and run the other way before that “Subway smell” attached itself to your clothes for the rest of the day?

Tim Horton’s uses a “par-bake” method.  The cost of purchasing a frozen doughnut from Maidstone, which flash-freezes them using the “par-bake” method, is approximately double what it would cost franchisees to bake them from scratch on-site, according to court documents

2. The chain is only 50% Canadian owned.

3. Tim Horton’s now has 3000 stores across Canada. They are pushing smaller coffee shops out of business and are generally a nightmare to work for.

4. Tim Horton’s is one of the reasons Ian Blurton ended C’Mon, who “couldn’t stand the thought of eating or drinking Tim Horton’s ever again.”

5. The lids, which were supposed to be replaced years ago, haven’t changed in 10 years and never fail to spill all over you.

6. You will feel sick afterwards. You will hate yourself for ingesting their beige slop.

7. No one has ever felt an ounce of inspiration inside a beige Tim Horton’s. Unlike the coffee shops I hung out at in my youth wich were the fodder for writing and music and ideas, Tim Horton’s does the EXACT opposite to you. You will feel sad walking out of a Tim Hortons and you will hate yourself for going in.

8. Canadian comedians who rely on “Timmies” gags for cheap laughs. Nothing spells lowest common denominator like “Timmies” humour.

9. Hearing someone call Tim Horton’s “Timmies”

10. Tim Horton’s new Panini’s are foul. Mushroom-soup sandwhich, mmmmmm.

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