Last night, I pulled what ended up being an all nighter, in terms of when I finally got too tired to think I went to bed, my brain played a trick on me; it actually wasn’t too tired to sleep at all.
If that makes any sense.
Anyway, I “closed my eyes” and tossed and turned a bit before my alarm went off at 6:00 to get up so I could get ready to leave the group home.
The reason I pulled what amounted to be an all-nighter was that I was trying to pull together a presentation for my Sociology of Sport seminar on Mr. Pierre Bourdieu. Now, anyone who knows me (in the Academic, not Biblical sense) knows that this is friendly terrain. I did my MA thesis using Bourdieu. Yet, I had this sense that what I had just didn’t cut it. Academically (not biblically). This kept me up all night.
I worry, I toss and I turn; I produce something and I have no idea how good it is until that moment when I am up there, when the spotlight shines on me, and I just GO. I can’t describe it, but when I am giving a presentation, I lose myself and someone else takes over.
This “someone else” is more confident, quick on his feet, funny (in the right ways. Mostly). Yet, as soon as the time winds down (in this case, 30 minutes), I am back to my old self; awkward, clumsy, insecure.
I used to experience this when I played in bands, and I used to ROCK, and then immediately after, while my confidence was still soaring, I would go out an meet girls and be the life of the party for a bit.
Sometimes I wish that I could be “that guy” more often.